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Forty-something wife raises an interesting issue and one that is very common in these kinds of relationship. When the man reverts to a more passive, non-controlling mode, the woman in many cases panics, or at least feels a little uneasy. Many woman feel a little abandoned in such situations. The control that was such a connecting, exciting thing is not there. It can feel to the woman as though the man has withdrawn from the connection, and withdrawn even from the entire relationship in some cases. Some women report feeling uncomfortable with the man's ability to switch off his control.
So why do many men do this?
The answer may well be much more positive than some Taken In Hand women fear. The husband might prefer to keep the nature of their relationship private, and especially to keep it from those who are most likely to be able to inflict damage on the couple in the event that they disapprove. He might guard the secret of the special nature of their relationship in order to protect it and nurture it; or he might quite reasonably want to protect himself from the vicious judgements of others. Many are absolutely disapproving of husbands being in control, and of wives gladly accepting control too. He might be trying to protect you both.
He might act passive and non-controlling in public out of respect and love for the woman: he might quite reasonably think that it would be embarrassing, disrespectful and humiliating to control the woman in public.
He might just want a quiet life and thus not act in a manner that he might end up having to explain to others.
He might act differently in public because he considers his control highly erotic and thus something very private. (No, this does not mean that his control is not real! If anything it means that he is really enjoying it.)